Tuesday October 7, 2008 6:08 am
Raiders’ Al Davis Gets Reality Show
THIS JUST IN! Based on his extraordinary performance this past week at the press conference where he announced the Lane Kiffin firing Oakland Raiders’ owner Al Davis has been awarded his own reality show on ESPN.
In the vein of ABC’s “The Bachelor” prospective head coaches will vie for Al’s attention and hope to land the head coaching job for the Oakland franchise. The first set of contestants will be a special all-star cast meant to kick off the series with a big bang. Past Raider coaches Mike Shanahan, Bill Callahan and Art Shell will all be on the premiere episode trying to get their old job back! Apparently, feeling very magnanimous Al Davis is even allowing just-fired Kiffin to fight for the job he just got canned from. Davis explained himself, “I’m willing to do anything to entice viewers. I think this action provides intriguing possibilities.”
Future competitors are said to include has-beens, also-rans, and retreads. Untested leaders are also high on the most-wanted list.
One of the first competitions will involve being able to take Al Davis’ play-calling instructions while on the sideline during an actual game. Who can be quicker in breaking away from a well thought out game plan to institute a play on the whim of Davis?
Other competitions will include taking a hit from Ted “the Stork” Hendricks, trying to catch Marcus Allen on a reverse-field run (then ignoring him for the rest of the competition), and seeing who gets hypnotized most deepest after hearing the “Just Win, Baby” catchphrase over and over again.
In addition to getting the head Raider job, the victor also wins a snazzy black windbreaker. However, they do not get to put together their own assistant coaching staff.
Contestants will also have to show an ability to fall into line with Raiders apologists John Madden, Jim Otto, and the ghost of John Matuszak. A rifle competition featuring the likenesses of Warren Sapp and Rich Gannon is also under consideration.
In a variation of the famous scene in the Kung Fu TV series, Al Davis will institute the following contest: “When you can take the Super Bowl ring from my hand it is time for you to go.” Explained Davis, “If one of these characters have the agility to grab the championship ring from my shaky palm, well, they’re just way too competent for me to take on. I’ve got to get rid of them at that point.”
Selected as hosts for the show are John Gruden and Randy Moss. “The Raiders saga is fascinating and always provides great entertainment,” stated Gruden. “I still have a continuous, ongoing loop of my Buccaneers annihilating the Raiders 48-21 from Super Bowl XXXVII in my home! Always good for a laugh and for lifting my spirits.”
Added Moss, “Finally, a reality show with some heart to it. To see Oakland rise from the ashes would warm the cockles of my heart.” When explained that the show involved the Raiders and not the Oakland A’s Moss replied, “Disregard the previous statement.”
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